Daddy, Lloyd, & Lisa*

You kids remember the Andy Griffith show? Set in Mayberry, North Carolina? The barber in that show was a funny guy named Floyd. Well Grandfield had a funny barber too, only his name was Lloyd. And he was sweet on a gal named Lisa.

Now, Lisa worked in an office, in Grandfield. And she was married to somebody else. Fact is, Lloyd was married too. But that didn’t change how he acted around Lisa!

Like this one time…

I was at the barbershop, getting my hair cut. Harvest was going on, and Grandfield was full of people; so full, Lloyd had this other barber working with him. Both of them, cutting hair, fast as they could, and a bunch of men still waiting in line.

Well, my turn came up, and instead of old Lloyd, I got the other barber, Harold. And this young guy working the harvest, up from Mexico I think, he was sitting in Lloyd’s chair. Now, the Mexican fella didn’t speak much English, but he pointed to a picture Lloyd had on the wall to show he wanted a crew cut. So, Lloyd got out his hair clippers.

My, that kid had a thick head of hair! Hot as it was, and working outside, I can see why he wanted it cut. Anyway, Lloyd slapped the No. 2 guard on his clippers, and they went bzzzz-bzzz-bzzz up the back that young guy’s head. The Mexican closes his eyes. And that thick hair starts falling on the floor.

Then, here came Lisa

Just as Lloyd swung around to the front of this guy’s head, here comes Lisa, walking up the sidewalk outside. Smiling, and wearing one of them dresses where the skirt flips up in the breeze. How Lisa’s dress found a breeze in that heat, is more than I can say, but it did. And old Lloyd starts watching her.

And that’s when the guard slipped off Lloyd’s clippers. Instead of bzz-bzzz-bzz, the clippers start growling, grrowll-rrowlll-rrowll, but Lloyd doesn’t notice a thing. From where I’m sitting, I can see the poor Mexican fella asleep in Lloyd’s chair, and a white strip starting behind those clippers and stretching up the center of his scalp. I started laughing so hard, my shoulders start to shake. And Harold has to stop cutting my hair too.

Scalped!

Lloyd’s still watching Lisa parade up the street, and his customer’s still asleep, unaware his crew cut’s become a reverse Mohawk. But everyone else in the Barbershop is watching when the clippers grind to a stop, stuck at the crown of that poor man’s head. And that finally gets Lloyd’s attention.

He looks down and sees the bone-white landing strip he’s shaved up the middle of his customer’s head. He sees his clippers, caught in the middle. Then he looks around and sees every man between Lawton and Wichita Falls staring at him. And Lloyd says the words they should have put on his tombstone.

“I can even that up.”

* to protect the guilty, I changed names and stuff here.